Humor, Jokes, Cartoons

[phlebbb]

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn);and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers:I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[JeffcoCitizen]

Fireman Joke

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door.
The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and
has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are  you doing?"

The little boy says  "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you  were to tie
that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[Harold1253]

How to Bag Pipe A Cat: Pick up a semi-friendly cat, sans ear mites, and place firmly but gently under arm.  Gently, seize an ear between your teeth which will cause the cat to emit a yowell (remember to have the rear feet imobilized for your own safety and comfort).  softly squeeze the cats rib cage with upper arm which will change the pitch of the cats vocal protest.  With careful selection of various cats, one can put together a reasonable version of 'Amazing Grace' on 25 cats.   Cats aren"t too fond of this, by the way!

[Kitten Resq]

Splinters in her Crotch?

A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
 
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. 
 
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."
 
GOD BLESS AMERICA

[StephenKing]

So a wife of a man on viagra looks to her husband and says, "Honey its lunch time can I make you sandwich? We have some nice brisket, maybe a pizza?"
The man says, "No honey it must be this Viagra...I'm just not hungry."

The woman later says, "Baby its dinner time do you want me to make you a baked chicken? Or a nice juicy Steak? Maybe some tasty Pork tenderloin?" 
The man says, "No honey, it must be this Viagra...I'm just not hungry."

The woman later says, "Sweetheart its midnight, can I make you a midnight snack? Maybe a burritto or some Ice cream?"
The man says, "No honey it must be this Viagra...I'm just not hungry."
The woman immediately says, "Well could you let me up?!?! I'm starving."

[phlebbb]

damn its cold........

[Granny B]

First Couples

 

 First Couples

 

 This is what the First Couples looked like coming into the White House and the second photo what they looked like leaving the White House...



Jimmy Carter and Rosalyn



Ronald Reagan and Nancy



George Bush and Barbara



Bill and Hilary Clinton



George W. Bush and Laura




Barack Obama and Michele


DON’T EVEN

TRY TO TELL ME YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING!


 

[Maiken]

That was a good one

What do you think about that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrlkvOD_Vuc

[phlebbb]

The Brass Rat

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor said, that will be £10 for the brass rat and £1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the £10 and pass on the story."
He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked--the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did--and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, "Ah ha! You came back to pay the £1,000 for the story, right?" "No," replied the man, "I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!"

[phlebbb]

My Level Of Incompetance.....

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):



Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen? "

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f ---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[phlebbb]

See if you can read this without  aaughing lour yass off.....This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters:

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Higne, the other was called Betty Swallocks. They were really forrible huckers, they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight, otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
"Mist all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted?!" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fucgly ucker over there!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The prandsome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[phlebbb]

Things Difficult To Say When You're Drunk ......

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thanks, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[Michigal]

I love this one.

[Michigal]

My favorite bumper sticker...

[Michigal]

Deer Camp

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."