April 18 to April 20, 2005
It is 8:44 a.m. on the 18th April as I sit down to write this. I just got
back into my concrete coffin after my daily 1 hour of recreation. I sat in
the dayroom and talked to Doug Roberts and Milton Mathis as they were
getting ready for their all-day visits. Haunted looks in their eyes,
whether they know it or not, looks that I cannot shake from my mind.
As I talk to them, others go about their daily business like nothing is
going on. I guess it is a good defense mechanism that we all use at one
time or another. I know I have, too many times, myself.
As I sit in the dayroom talking, someone hollers "Hey, Chi-Town, I got that
book you wanted to read. I'll send it in a few."
I wanted to yell back "hey a**hole, I'm not worried about no book at the
moment, don't you know what is going down?" Of course that is not fair and
it is my emotions and closeness to the situation that caused me to even have
thoughts like that running through my mind.
I'm actually really looking forward to reading the fourth and final book in
that particular series to tell the truth. Go figure, life goes on, right?
Just another day in paradise, eh?
In two more days, Doug and Milton may no longer be. As the rest of us sit
around and watch completely helpless to do anything to stop the madness or
insanity of the death march, just another couple of deaths in a long, very
long line of death handed out by Texas in the name of justice.
It is weird to sit back and just watch this all go down time and again as I
wait my turn. Some of the things that we do just strike me as.weird.
Check this out...14 days from your date with death, the "powers-to-be" tell
you you have an unlimited spend in commissary. See, we are only aloud to
spend $75 every two weeks normally. But on this last spend, you can spend
whatever you have on your account.
So people are usually spending a couple hundred dollars. They throw all
kinds of spreads..spreads are what pass as "cooking" here in prison. A few
packs of pot roast, some chili, chopped up peppers and pickles..whatever one
might deem is needed, and we have access to, to make something edible.
Well it strikes me as a little backwards that the man getting ready to die
is buying food to cook.for everybody else here on deathwatch, no? Should we
not be buying and cooking for him? It has been this way since I got down
here on February 9th and it will most likely be this way when I'm gone.
Of course, I will hold with "tradition" when my turn comes, for no other
reason than..hell.just because that is the way it is.
Truth is I cannot take my food or anything else with me right? HA!HAH!HAH!
Last Will and Testament."P.S. Please burry me with my radio and commissary,
just in case". Yeah, ok, right on!
Now, please do not think "Oh, he is giving up". No, that is not the case.
I'm just speaking in relative terms. Whether the words "when I'm gone"
means they kill me or I get a stay and leave death watch for another pod.
Believe me when I say the fight is not out of me, and hope is not gone, not
by a long shot.
This is not about me anyway, but about the two gentlemen who have 2, yes 2
days left to live.
Dying is easy but waiting to die is a M.F.'er!! No way easy. Damn, the
anxiety and worry that goes along with the wait. I never understood the
dramatic change in people who have had a date and gone to the Walls Unit and
ate their last meal and then get a stay. They come back all twisted in so
many different ways. They are never the same, some change for the better,
some for the worse. I've witnessed both.
On person that sticks out in my mind is my very good friend Brian Davis. He
went all the way to eating his last meal and than received a stay. I've
notice dramatic changes about him since that little episode.
One, he is down and strong about his walk with God. I mean, if you'd know
him 2 years prior to his executoon and then after the change in him is
incredible. That is the good side, now I have also notice that his
personality has become somewhat more.more, not morbid..just he keeps to
himself a lot more than he ever did before. He'll get out there and laugh
and poke fun, but it takes a real effort, and is noticeable.
Well, I will close this up for now and write more later on in the week to
keep you all updated to what is going on.
Mom, just wanted to tell you I love you and our last visit has really kept
me strong and focused. Keep shining bright, Sunshine. : )
3:06 p.m. April 19, 2005...Milton Mathis just returned early from his all
day visit with new of a stay of executions. WOW!! He received his stay due
to the Atkins issue which is mental retardation. What great and blessed
news for Milton and his entire family, great new indeed.
He said when he went out to visitation, Death Row Warden Jones was waiting
to tell him the news. Instead of an all day visit, they let him have 4
Man, I'm really glad to hear about his stay. It seems if you were 17 our
younger or have a low I.Q., you can get a stay!! That is about the only way
to receive a stay here in Texas, innocence plays no part in it anymore.
Do I sound bitter. F*%$ I am bitter, but pleased, don't misunderstand. I
could not be happier for Milton and his family. Every life saved is a plus
to me. Damn good news indeed.
Please let us not forget about Doug Roberts who at this moment is still out
there for his last all day visit with his family and friends. Obviously he
has had no such new as with the Mathis clan. It looks like Texas will be
able to ad another life and his blood to grease the wheels of the Texas
As I write this I hear Milton in the dayroom laughing and just kicking it
like I've not seen him do in far to long. Man it is nice to hear true
happiness and no fronting in his voice or jokes. He has a smile from ear to
Now what about Doug? What about Doug's family. What are they going through
right this moment as I write this? I do not even want to try and imagine.
I feel somewhat guilty in conscience as I celebrate Milton's stay as yet
another man is surely to be put to death tomarrow. I guess we must take
what we can get at this point and make the best of it, but it still does not
I wish I could put Milton's good news in to play with my own case, but no
such lick. I was not a 17 year old when I was arrested for Nick's murder,
nor can I file the Atkins issue with a registered I.Q. of 147! Damn, I sure
don't feel that smart as I sit my dumb ass on the row waiting to die!
I want to be retarded too! Hell, innocence nor guilt don't even seem to
matter to this insane system of justice. Maybey, if I make a few more
grammer errors in my typing I can get a stay too!
Damn, I really feel guilty as I sit here feeling sorry for myself in light
of Milton's stay. I feel shallow and selfish.
Uncensored, right? It may get ugly but I speak my heart and that will not
change. I might not like the way I am feeling, nor am I proud of the way I
feel, nor will I lie about the way I am feeling. I guess it is true what
they say.what do they say you ask...They say you cannot know a man's true
character until he or she is placed into a situation of adversity. Anyone
can talk the big game as he or she sits on the sideline, but when on is put
dead center into the mix of things, that is when one's character or lack
their of shines through.
Right now, I feel lacking in the character department. This situation is
definitely taking it's toll on me physically and mentally. I have notices
as I look into the mirror lately I seem to have these permanent dark purple
circles under my eyes. I know they come from lack of sleep, hell, I'm
scared to f*cking sleep. I feel I might get all the sleep I can handle on
May 19th! Ha!
Seriously, I find myself waking up for the nightly "restroom needs" and
being scared to fall back asleep. No sh*t! I don't really stay up to do
anything other than listen to the radio and pace my cell like a caged animal
thing, wondering, contemplating.contemplating the what ifs of my life. So
very many what ifs...What if..
Anyway, Milton's stay is another plus for our combined fight against the
death penalty here in Texas as well as in the USA!! Let us find peace and
happiness as we know his life has been spared. Focus on the positive and
forget or push aside the negative. There are so few positives as we roll up
our sleeves and fight the injustice of the death penalty that we cannot
afford to dwell on the negative but focus and draw our strength to continue
fighting on the positive.
I just took a little break to go talk to Milton and I told him not to forget
to get his bible just because he got a stay. It seems we all here on the
row "find God" on deathwatch and then when things go our way, we forget
about the grace of God. Me included, don't cha know! HA! Sometimes we
must reach our ultimate low just to pick up a bible and ask for help. Then
we receive it and forget all about God.
Please do not mistake me.yes, I am a Christian, but I fall oh so short in my
walk with the Lord. I read my bible every morning and pray every night, yet
when one of these officers comes to me sideways, I forget all I read and
pray and get dead on their ass!! So please do not think I am sitting here
in a bout of self-righteousness, 'cause I'm not. I can pray and read and I
still lose my temper at times. The difference is now I feel bad about it
and ask for forgiveness when those slips occur.
Well, it is now 3:51 p.m. and Doug will be coming back from his last all day
visit in about 50 minutes. What will his state of mind be? How will he be
Man, watching this sh*t day in and day out is devastating to me. I try so
hard to not let what I am forced to watch steal or kill parts of me inside,
but I do not think I am being very successful. I'm not the inhumane monster
the courts would have you believe. As I sit in this F*%&ing concrete coffin
and watch man after man be lead away to his death, I cannot help but let it
effect me. What monster would I have to be to sit by and not have any side
effects of watching this happen? It has it's effects and I am glad it does.
It lets me know I am not dead inside, that I still care, that I still feel.
Listen, I have to shut this sh*t down for the day because I just want to
vegetate in the dark and let my mind go, try to stop thinking about this
place and all the death I have seen.
You people out there stay strong and remember we won one tonight. Yes, the
state will not get it's blood justice out of Milton Mathis. One for the
little people. Down with the system of mass murder.
Stay strong and keep up the fight.
Milton Mathis has just been moved off Death Watch! Whoohoo! One for the
Little People!! : )
April 20, 2005
It is 12 non as I stand on my rolled up mattress to pear out my window. No
sign of Doug Roberts or the death van at this point. A hundred thoughts are
going through my head but the most troubling of those thoughts are what
thoughts are going through Doug's head right now.
Once again, I contemplate the clean and efficient approach to it all. The
hand off and the inevitable execution. The hand off from the row to the
execution chamber at the Walls Unit.
I wish there could be a fumble for Doug, but no such luck from what I've
heard at this point. Fumble.as in a stay of execution.
It is 12:09 p.m. as I catch my first view of Doug heading back from
visitation, his very last visitation, if the state of Texas has it's way.
They lead him into 12 building which is where they house us condemned men.
It does not look good, for Doug is surrounded by a bunch of ranking officers
so the hand-off will be taking place.
12:11 p.m. here comes the usual group of overseers to watch to make sure
the4re is no "fumble" attempt so to say! The wardens, Major Nelson and a
few other lower ranking members.
As I stand here waiting to see Doug or the death van, I find myself trying
to put myself in Doug's shoes, then again, I think I will know soon
As the clock strikes 12:20 p.m. here comes the death van, a little late, no?
Maybe they got hungry on the way over here and needed to stop at McDonald's
for a quick bit to eat. We all got to eat, right? Nothing wrong with that.
Clean and efficient.
Here comes Doug to be loaded into the death van.
The death van drives off into the sun, with Doug as it's cargo. Mathis with
a stay and Doug without. Gotta take the good with the bad, I suppose.
As we try to stay happy and celebrate Mathis's stay, it seems somewhat wrong
with another man on his way to his death. No double header for TDCJ
today!!!! As my time gets closer, I feel the pressure building up inside
me, there is no denying that.
Actually, it was Warden Alford who pointed that out to me today. He called
me into his office to talk to me because he was disturbed my some things I
wrote recently. Especially about my webmaster being hacked and my "missing"
Uncensored articles. He said it was sometimes easy to become somewhat
delusional and paranoid when we are faced with such a stressful situation.
I guess he is right, because I know I have been on edge like you would not
I remember when I was younger I was seeing a few family counselors during my
parents divorce and was treated for depression and a delusional disorder. I
was even hospitalized a few times due to the seriousness of the delusional
I really feel quite embarrassed sharing this all with you, but I do not want
you to think I would every mislead you or write falsehoods just for the sake
of doing it. I did in fact receive copies from my "missing" articles from
Suzanne just last night. At least I think it was all of them!
I guess I never though that every aspect of my life would come under
scrutiny due to my writings, eh? So I do apologize to all of you out there
for jumping the gun with the "missing" articles, at least I do not think
there are any missing, f*ck who knows now!! AARRCCHH!!!!
Are my delusions, delusions, or truth. Hell, I'm starting to confuse myself
so I will move on. I wish I could make myself believe Doug Roberts was not
just loaded into the death van and on his way to the Walls Unit to be
humanely murdered in the name of justice!!!
Who has the right to decide a man's death other than God and I quote:
"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I
have come that they may have life, and that they may have it abundantly."
Can anyone guess who this quote was made by? That is correct, by Jesus
Christ himself in the book of John 10:10. So please do not hide behind the
book of God to justify the death penalty with the "eye for an eye" quote in
the OLD testament.
Let's go with the "May he who has not sinned cast the first stone". How
about "No sin is greater than another all sins are equal and we all fall
The death penalty is all about revenge and there is no argument that can
point out that it is not. Nothing but revenge, nothing but blood to wash
away blood, that does not even make sense. I think maybe I am not the only
one with a delusional disorder, eh.
I guess we can all choose what bible verses we read to justify our views,
eh? We can perverse any words to mean what we want them to mean.
If Jesus was to walk this earth again today, there is no doubt in my mind
that we, as a society, would crucify him again.
I'm out of gas and I am emotionally drained and must end my rantings and
Once again thank you to all you out there who care enough to tune in and
listen to my thoughts. If not for the overabundance of supportive letters
and e-mails, I most likely would have stopped Uncensored and crawled into a
hole somewhere and just faded away. I stay strong because you stay strong
for me. I stay positive because you stay positive. I stay hopeful, because
you stay hopeful. Who knows what is in store for me in the future however,
long or short it may be, just remember there are so many other men and women
on death row who need an ear to speak to help them get the help they may
need, legal or otherwise.
For those of you who already write to someone on death row, I can once again
give you a small word of advise. As your loved one is going through this
kangaroo type appeals process, the attorneys at every level are given money
to represent their clients and are also supposed to ask for money for
investigative purposes, some do, but never hire an investigator or they
pretend to hire one and they wheel and deal.
Get a hold of T.C. Investigators in Indiana. The money for their services
does <u>not come out of your pocket</u>. I do not say this for some kind of
kick back. I say this because I know this is a top notch firm and they put
their hearts into their work. Hell, ask Milton Mathis and his family!!!
Once prisoners get into the federal court they can no longer bring up issues
that their prior attorneys did not find or bring up. Believe me I know this
first hand as I realize everything being uncovered, I'm procedurally barred
from using. After all, Texas states that a defendant is only guaranteed
competent counsel at the trial level and after that they are just guaranteed
counsel, nothing more, just a f*cking body in a suit to stamp his or her
name to a writ your attorney' past have already filed and said lawyer get
paid 5 figure salaries for this bullsh*t!
Here I go rambling on again. I'm out of here.
3872 F.M. 350 S.
Livingston, TX 77351